Little Jamie was running around, Jayden was following him, Katie had just pooed in her nappy and now mother was calling for help from upstairs too, and if she was calling while the kids were going mad, that meant it was urgent. Now she saw smoke coming from the oven. Shit! She’d forgotten about their waffles. Oh, God. And it was raining. The washing had to be dry for this evening. Then her phone started ringing, and it was her boss. He never usually rang. Just as she was about to answer it, she heard a sharp rap on the front door and a face trying to poke through the letterbox. The bailiff! Oh, God. And he’d definitely seen her already. Her mum called again. She told Katie to just stay still for a moment. She thought of getting Jamie to bring in the washing but then almost laughed at the idea. She began to scurry upstairs. But then the smoke alarm went off, and it was piercingly loud. Suddenly, near the bottom of the stairs, she found herself losing control, and turd after turd plunged out of her arse, into and through her knickers and fell free to flop indecorously into the puddle of piss she had poured forth at the same time.
She rubbed the warm, squidgy gallbladder all over his cheeks and tried to stuff it into his mouth, leering at him and making taunting noises. He pursed his lips tightly but still tried to smile, reminding himself that all interviews were getting harder and focusing on the fact that he’d be taking home nearly twice as much as in his current job, albeit his cleaning costs would be higher.
He was stunned to see that her stream of piss came out almost straight, such was the pressure. He had only ever heard, not seen, women having a slash, and it had always sounded like a tinkle. He had assumed that it was always so. But this was practically boring a hole in the back of his throat.