Fair cop

The Kraftwerk concert had been good, but the quick round of sex enjoyed just outside, in front of everyone, had been better. Still, he couldn’t understand why so many people had stopped to jerk off, nor why some of them were police, who, if anything, were supposed to break up this kind of disorderly behaviour. Then the actual police turned up, and he realised that what he’d previously thought were police were actually tramps, that what he’d thought was the street outside a Kraftwerk concert in Kentish Town was actually a disgusting one-roomed hovel in Wigan, and that he wasn’t actually a man, and that it was him getting shafted, and that what he’d thought were ‘the actual police’ were just more tramps.

They can’t take that away from me

The switch was thrown down. He felt the electricity slamming into every part of his body at once. The voltage coursed agonisingly through his flesh. His skin began to smoke. His bowels expelled everything they could. And yet all the suffering, all the cries of exultation from the bereaved, all the morbid intentions of those who were subjecting him to this final ordeal, could not quite rob from him the memory of the last five minutes he’d spent in his cell with the 1989 annual of ‘60+ And Busty’ magazine. Those creased faces, well-chosen camera angles and implausible norks would accompany him into Gehenna.

The price of deceit

She had a most spurious quinge, it could not be denied, but his contemplation of its likely artificiality was no cause to slow, still less cease, in its use, and only when his unctuous deposit was made and then languidly and shamefully regurgitated did he conclude that his suspicions had been warranted, and thus so was the excremental vengeance he swiftly and copiously discharged about her visage and into her perfidious maw.

Waste is a resource

“Would you like to make a donation to the horse rescue centre?”, the charity lady enquired of him.  Mindful of the kind of donation the forsaken horses would most appreciate, he quickly pulled down his jodhpurs just in time to curl off a thick brown donation straight into the collection bucket. Her mouth fell open, feigning astonishment but obviously hoping that he had a few nuggets left – and her luck was in.