Pocket Ronnie

As the sarge emptied the suspect’s pockets, the contents – a cigarette lighter, keys, small change and a condom – were nothing new in themselves, although there was a degree of novelty to each one. The lighter was of industrial scale, as though required to ignite an ancient lighthouse. The keys looked like they opened some mildewy dungeon. The small change appeared to be from Hungary, and Soviet-era Hungary at that. And the condom? Well, it’s always good to be safe, but most normal people would rather pass up the opportunity for a shag rather than work themselves into an already cum-filled condom – and I do mean filled.


Yes, he had been told that this kind of surgery was not guaranteed to work perfectly, and he had signed a form saying that he understood the risk of his buttocks collapsing and bloody silicone gel draining from them down his stockinged legs, but still, he hadn’t really thought it would happen, least of all while he was giving the annual Reith Lecture.