Clean your room

His cock drooped pathetically, his miserable, oestrogen-riddled barrel of a body unable to sustain the insistent boner he needed to satisfy his lubricious companion who now gave up and flounced out of his mildewy basement in contempt and disappointment, closing off his only avenue for some measure of birthday action and leaving him alone to onanise lethargically and unsuccessfully as tears streamed down his flabby, acne-strewn cheeks.

No spillage

He grunted aggressively and without warning, a stiff gust of stinking gas blasting forth into the ill-prepared faces ahind his colono-rectal pipework and causing not one but two of them to wrinkle in disgust before vomiting, albeit only into their closed mouths, leaving them able to tidily dispose of the chunder out of the window in one case and, after an undignified struggle, back down their scalded gullet in the other.

Multi-tasking

Little Jamie was running around, Jayden was following him, Katie had just pooed in her nappy and now mother was calling for help from upstairs too, and if she was calling while the kids were going mad, that meant it was urgent. Now she saw smoke coming from the oven. Shit! She’d forgotten about their waffles. Oh, God. And it was raining. The washing had to be dry for this evening. Then her phone started ringing, and it was her boss. He never usually rang. Just as she was about to answer it, she heard a sharp rap on the front door and a face trying to poke through the letterbox. The bailiff! Oh, God. And he’d definitely seen her already. Her mum called again. She told Katie to just stay still for a moment. She thought of getting Jamie to bring in the washing but then almost laughed at the idea. She began to scurry upstairs. But then the smoke alarm went off, and it was piercingly loud. Suddenly, near the bottom of the stairs, she found herself losing control, and turd after turd plunged out of her arse, into and through her knickers and fell free to flop indecorously into the puddle of piss she had poured forth at the same time.

Never give up

His lips exploded! Well, that will happen if you pay the lowest possible price in Dhaka to get them ‘done’, or so he had been told over the crackling phone line by his concerned mother, but had he listened? Had he fuck. Ah, man, it really hurt too. Still, perhaps he could distract people by getting some more botox in his already-bulging forehead, or maybe in the hideously rigid flesh around his eyes.

Big, satisfying stick of meat

Oh, god. The very sight of it made her mouth water. She got her hand in there and started groping that big, shiny sausage. She didn’t even ask permission. He sat there casually, legs wide and hands clasped behind his head, not making any move to help or hinder her, yet his face showed his total bemusement at the sight of her squeezing and palpating the meaty column that was supposed to be the main part of his dinner. Still, might as well get stuck into the chips.

The mother of pretension

As he resigned himself to his fate and stood there urinating and defecating into his trousers, the crowd of people around him who had so forcefully protested just moments before that they ‘couldn’t move further down the carriage’ suddenly discovered that they could, in fact, move a lot further down the carriage, and they did, at least until someone at the other end also loudly fouled herself, after which those caught in the crossturd just had to try not to breathe much and pretended harder than ever to be really interested in reading the Metro.